The Worst Day Of My Life
Two years ago, I lost my wife in a car accident, on the highway 2. Ever since it happened, there is not one night that I could close my eyes, and not see her lying lifeless on the Alberta asphalt, in a puddle of blood. It's haunting me.
I couldn’t wipe out of my memory this last image of her. Each time when I would think of her, this is the first memory that comes to my mind. I wished to remember her differently, but I couldn’t. Probably because partially, I felt guilty for not telling her how much I loved her. If she only knew how much I miss her...
The night of the accident, we were returning from a party. On the way back, we had a fight in the car. I played that conversation on my mind, over and over again, thinking that I could have done something to avoid the tragic outcome.
If I would have listened to her, and we would have left the party earlier, maybe she would still be alive. Maybe we wouldn't have met the truck that hit us on the road. If I would have kept my mouth shut, when she was scolding me, maybe we wouldn't have had a fight. Maybe something would have been different.
Although time passed, I find it hard to go on without her. I didn't find the strength to remove her personal things from the closet. Each time I would go get dressed, I would have to pause for a minute, when I open the closet door. I could still feel the smell of her favorite fragrance there.
My family advised me that it would be easier for me to move on, if I wouldn't have seen all these on a daily basis. They even volunteered to come and help me pack it. But how could I do that?
I thought of doing it, but I wasn't ready for it. I don't think I will ever be. Each time I tried, I felt like I was trying to get rid of her. It felt wrong. Like I was losing her again. It was too painful to bear.
The hardest days of the year are the Holidays. That's when I miss her presence the most.
This year, I took a work trip to Europe. I wanted to keep my mind occupied, and spend less time mourning her. I really thought that it would ease my pain, but it didn’t. Throughout the entire day, I couldn't stop thinking of her, that she would have enjoyed this or that. Would this ever go away?